Poor bare legs...In Memorium.

So, if you've ever actually met me, you're well aware that I'm one sasquatch of a lady! I just can't stand the waste of time that shaving off all of my body hair constitutes. It just seems ridiculous to me that looking like a twelve year old is considered the epitome of attractiveness, and I simply want no part of it! This drives my grandmother up the wall, disturbs my uncle and confuses my cousins to no end...and that's just my own family. Now, as I may have mentioned before, here in the SK, it really seems that people have some serious staring problems. If I knew how to say "take a picture it'll last longer!" in Korean, I'd be all over that! Seriously, in Canada someone would have to look REALLY weird for you to get your stare on. Canadians all look pretty different, y'know? We're all different colours and we've all got different coloured hair and that's pretty much how it goes down in the Canadia, but here in the SK...well...basically, it's one of the most homogeneous cultures in the world (seriously people, google that up! I'm not just blathering on here...I'm fairly certain we actually read that somewhere when we were preparing to boogie on over this'a way) That means that if you're not Korean, you are fair game for some serious gawking. It bothers me less now than it did when we first got here and I was on a mission to learn how to say "Oh my gawd, my eyes!" in Korean so that I could touch my face when someone started ogling my noggin and act like I didn't actually know that I wasn't Korean until that moment...I mean, I notice a bit less now, but earlier on, it was really giving me the wiggins! I was pretty much willing to do anything I could to avoid the constant, blatant and, quite frankly, slightly rude, staring. I mean, I'm always gonna be a big girl, so that's not exactly something I could do anything about, and that is something that makes me stand out in any crowd...but I felt like I had to do something, ANYTHING to be just a little bit less...erm...visible (?). Sadly, that something led to the demise of my lovely fuzzy, furry legs...*tear*.

Let us join here today to mourn their (temporary *crosses fingers*) passing.

Oh fuzzy legs! How I love you, you and your soft soft lady-hairs. You were always so efficient in horrifying all but the most radical of my friends, of making everyone wonder what the heck I was up to now. The confusion you engendered was always so wonderful...it was as though people thought I'd somehow procured hair from somewhere and stuck it on with glue. As though it didn't just grow there on its own. I didn't want to fight you...I just wanted to love you and stroke you like a lovely, soft little pet! You always felt so interesting blowing in the breeze and flooping through the water when I swam. I will miss you, leg hair, and all of your wonderous qualities. One day we will be together again.

(You can all think this is insane as much as you want, but when I shaved off my 3 years worth of fuzz last month, Bryan can attest to the fact that I actually cried...4 times...)

WHY Swimsuit, WHY!?

This weekend we're on our way to Sunyeudo with a bunch of our teaching homeboys and girls for some fun beach oriented times. The BEST part of this foray is the fact that one of the Korean teachers has MAD negotiating skills and has not only talked one of the bus drivers from our school into driving us to the ferry to get there for a mere fraction of the cost for all 16 of us to take the "normal" bus, but has also managed to procure us a place to stay in spite of the fact that all of the motels on the island have been booked solid for weeks! Even better? This place she's gotten us to stay is the home of one of the hotel/motel owners Ajuma (Grandmother) who will be away for the weekend! This trip contains a serious bulk of Sarah's favourite things! Throw in a pug dog and some pesto and they'll pretty much have to drag me off this island kicking and screaming.

Okay, so one problem here folks: swimsuits are EVIL. In preparation for this magical journey I felt the need to try on the two "beach suits" (as opposed to "pool suits" which are designed specifically for laps and not meant for lounging about in oceans...or pools for that matter...and should therefore not be worn unless one intends to be doing laps/lengths or some other format of water based exercise including but not limited to "aqua aerobics" or "water jogging"...all of which I suppose could be done in an ocean, sea or lake with a small degree of increased difficulty but you kind of get the point...right?) I'd brought along for purposes just like this and we got into a bit of a conflict.

Now, as a far-too-fat-type woman I've always been quite the fan of one piece suits and the occasional tankini...at least since they came into fashion in my mid-teens. In spite of my body positive attitude, though I do own one, I really can't bring myself to wear a belly-baring bikini outside of the house. Sure it would be mighty controversial and probably turn some heads, but after years and years of negative reinforcement about my "unsightly" mid-section, I've kind of internalized the idea that the world just doesn't want to see my bellyful belly and have ensured that my "beach suits" have a fairly large area of coverage...this, my friends, is where the conflict arises.

I have yet to figure out how to turn on the air conditioner in our apartment (in spite of our neighbour's kind help) and am therefore roasting alive in the 27 degree humidity pool that is today (*cries pitifully*...it is seriously too hot to MOVE! It feels like I'm swimming in hot...hence "humidity pool")Sitting about in all of this heat really got me to thinking about the joyous swims I plan to have this weekend and so I decided it was time for annual swimsuit try on time. Now, as far as I know, many women strongly dislike shopping for a new swimsuit. I'm not extremely opposed to it personally, at least not as opposed as I am to trying on the swimsuits that one already owns. At least when you don't like the swimsuit you've got draped over you in the change room, you can just stroll past, hand it to an attendant and say firmly "rejected". When the suits already belong to you, however, no such luck! Especially when you find yourself in the SK where it's unlikely that a large, lovely lady like myself will find anything big enough in the swimwear department to fit over even one of my voluptuous thighs! I likely should have done the yearly try on before I left home, but as previously mentioned, I was a bit swamped for time what with all of my worldly goods strewn across my (highly accommodating) grandparents' living room and only so many hours to get them squared away into too few pieces of baggage. Sure I could have taken the time to weigh my options while I packed, but that's just not what happened. Which is why today I found myself standing in front of our bathroom mirror (no, we didn't even have a full length for this dubious task, which basically meant that in order to check out the proportions of my bare thighs, I had to stand precariously on one leg, half-way out the bathroom door. Great.) trying desperately to make my cleavage a little bit less cleavagey in a desperate attempt not to offend in a country that is far more concerned with decorum and modesty than my (rather permissive) own. (BAH! I can't help it that I'm too voluptuous over here people! Believe me, especially when it comes to far too cleavage-y cleavage, keeping it under wraps is definitely one of those situations where I would if I could...but I can't!)

After wiggling around, readjusting and ensuring all of the important jiggly bits remained fully and entirely covered, half an hour, one cleavage-tastic one piece and a tankini later, I was just about ready to collapse from heat exhaustion!

Ladies, this trying on of swimsuits is truly a trial...am I right? I mean mens swimsuits (at least outside of Europe...) are all non-spandexy and non-form fitting. In fact, for the most part they're just pretty comfortable pairs of shorts with a built in net to keep your jiggly bits all comfy and stuff. You just kind of put them on and off you go. There might be a little netting related chaffing, but your flesh is certainly not going to come tumbling out of those bad boys by surprise...at least not if you stay away from anyone with a penchant for pantsing. There's very little wigglying involved in getting in our out of trunks, at least not last time I tried some on. As far as I remember, the hardest part was making sure that both of my feet made it through the netting underpants and out the legs without me falling to the ground in my typically clumsy way. They were comfortable, I didn't have to worry about post-swim, tacky thigh skin chaffing and there was no awkward attempt at getting them to cover my chest required (although, just think about it...wouldn't that have been funny?) With women's suits, you just can't win! Even if the world sanctions your wearing of a bikini, you've still got to make sure that you're all trimmed up "down bellow" AND that the girls don't go on a wild adventure, either full on escaping or engaging in some unwanted exhibitionism. And then when you have to squiggle out of those tacky mo-fos while post-swim wet? Well forget about it! I always end up narrowly missing the sink with my head.

I've had it with this insanity. Seriously, lets all put a stop to all of this immediately and just swim naked! Come on everyone...are you with me? I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it while I'm in South Korea though...otherwise I'm pretty sure I'll get deported.

Talking to strangers.

You aren't supposed to talk to strangers...especially if they have candy...or a dog...or anything even remotely interesting you might like to eat or pet or look at! We all had this simple rule hammered into us at age three people! In fact, it would seem that a certain number of us remain wary of chatting it up with the unknowns into adulthood, even in well lit social situations. Some people are just awkward, yes, but sometimes I'd swear that the shybee over by the punch bowl seriously thinks that something HORRIBLE will happen if ze walks up to ze's nearest fellow human and simply strikes up a conversation. I mean, I know, I know...our parents and kindergarten teachers were just trying to keep us safe from sharks and bears and other "predators"...but seriously, I think some people may have been seriously stunted...

Not me people, not me! In keeping with my strict policy of talking (loudly) to just about anyone, I have taken up a whole new hobby in my spare, stay at home non-mom time: talking to strangers on the internets! Sure I'd love to talk to all of you, friends and family back in Canada and in other parts asunder, but the fact of the matter is that when I'm extra lonely after everyone else I know here in the SK has gone off to work in the late afternoon, for the lot of you it's somewhere between 2-8 am, and quite frankly, none of you are terribly chatty when you're sleeping! But never fear, www.omegle.com provides the perfect solution! While you never know what might assault your eyes on Chatroulette, on Omegle you have the option of non-video chat with strangers from across the globe. Sure there's a whole host of creepers (like there are anywhere else), but there's also lots and lots of people who are bored (just like MEEEEEE!) and looking to pass the time chatting it up with a brand new pal! I know, I know, talking to strangers on the internet is nothing new, or terribly exciting to the rest of you, and you're all sitting there saying "hello woman, there have been chat rooms on the internet since like 1994 you weiner! Seriously, calm your self immediately!", but GUYS, this is different...because I'm doing it! No, but seriously, you know how in chat rooms, usually there's a pre-determined topic before you join and there's multiple people chatting it up on said topic at any given time? Well this is the best because you get to talk to just one person at a time and the two of you get to determine a topic of conversation between the two of you which certainly spices things up! And since there's not moderator, you can talk like to real people...even if that means you feel the need to argue from time to time. And if things get too out of control and you want to get the heck away from the freak you're chatting with, you can just end your convo and start up a new one at the drop of a hat! I love it. I just do. It's like freaking speed dating without the awkward that comes around when you sit down with someone you just don't like...you can just run away with no hurt feelings and little to no guilt! It's okay not to like the people you talk to...but sometimes you do! I've had some really great chats with some fine folks from Germany (Hey Jan!), India, Thailand, Indonesia, France, Tunisia, Sweden, home and even further away. I'm a big fan of global dialogue, and I love having the opportunity to chat with people about the places they live, the things they do and what they believe. Even if we don't become Facebook besties, and even if we never come into contact in any way ever again, every stranger becomes a little less strange after a five minute chat, and somehow, that's pretty encouraging. I know it's cheesy, but it makes me believe that maybe every roomful of strangers really is just a roomful of friends just waiting to be made. So get your butt away from that freakin' punch bowl and make some new friends everybody! (That's right everyone, I am literally just a giant pile of cheddar! Deal with it!)

Proccurring THINGS!

As I've mentioned before, I have a fairly intense love of stuff...so intense in fact that in the majority of my homes many people find it quite difficult to move around without colliding with some sort of junk. Scarves fall off the walls and onto people's heads, precariously balanced tchotchkes crash to the floor sometimes shattering into several pieces (along with my heart) and my couches and beds are typically rendered all but unsitable by a plethora of throw pillows. This is the way I LOVE to live! Cluttered, cramped and joyfully inundated by my THINGS! Consumerism is no laughing matter, certainly, but when my consumptive urges give me the hypocrite jitters, I can usually comfort myself with the thought that the majority of these marvelous things came to me by way of thrift stores well stocked with the contents of elderly women's homes (all the better since they're another of my favourites!) and that if I didn't invite to come to live with me in my cramped little caves, they'd end up in a landfill somewhere and that somehow I'm being environmentally friendly...right?

With only 100 lbs of luggage to work with when packing to come to Korea (Damn you Air Canada, WHY? WHY!? I'm not going to freaking Cancun for a WEEK, I'm moving to Korea FOR A YEAR!!! A WHOLE YEAR PEOPLE! I need more than a bikini and a prayer...ridiculous.), I was beside myself at the thought of being separated from my precious THINGS for an entire year and forced to live in a bare shelved and walled prison for an entire year...basically, I was left weeping in the corner thinking of my life without all of my Mother Mary figurines, tiki mugs, porcelain owls and novelty salt and pepper shakers...*tear*. My family ended up taking pity on my pathetisad, tearful self and coughed up the extra THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS (WHAT?!) so that I could have something closer to 200lbs of luggage, but all the same, when all was said and done and the absurd drama of packing finally ended (seriously people, my grandparents officially didn't have a living room for the better part of a week... it became an impassable sea of mismatched garments all waiting in limbo to find out their packing fate...gold pants, tutu and inca print body suit, my apologies for your exile) I really didn't have room for any beloved THINGS that couldn't be draped on my body in a clothes like fashion. While this did mean that I managed to bring a fairly absurd number of scarves, it also meant that I wasn't able to squeeze in anything larger or heavier than the lovely "We Love You!" banner E.Stan made to cheer me up when I get lonely here (thanks lady! It's already come in handy a few times!) and the very most beloved of my knick-knacks, the one, the only the fabulous mister Dancaturtle! I guess a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...

When we got to our apartment that first night, it seemed so big and empty and devoid of anything even resembling a piece of flare that I could have just cried! It's a pretty big apartment in comparison to some of the other closets I've hear of other teachers living in, and while any rational person would have celebrated this fact, I just couldn't see this empty expanse in a positive light with the thought that I'd never be able to fill it up with a bunch of junk! Even though I'd accepted that, as a large lovely lady, I'd have quite the time finding garments to fit my voluptuous frame here in the land of South Korea, and that if I had any intention of looking presentable outside of the house, I'd have to deal with a less than ornate interior, I still couldn't help feeling a bit downhearted at the thought of living for a whole year without THINGS flying off of shelves and into my eyes, onto my head,into the toilet, under the kitchen sink and or behind the couch. I felt so...barren.

For the first couple of weeks, things didn't improve all that much. I mean, I was making do just fine...I suppose... Within the first couple of days I'd hung up my banner and filled our bedroom walls with my absurd number of scarves, necklaces and earrings...and we'd even purchased a clock and a coat rack, but they just didn't have any personality and the place still looked...blah...Unlike every dwelling I've ever occupied, the living room just seemed...too expansive. In short, the place was really lacking in the highly necessary clutter department. Very unlike any of my previous habitats indeed. And then it happened. Some of the other teachers started to leave. They started to leave and they just didn't have the room to take along all of their THINGS!

First we found THE BEST porcelain elephant plant holder in the garbage one Sunday afternoon while on our way to recovering by way of soft pretzel from a long night of Soju. I couldn't lift it in my less than prime state, but Bryan happily carted it upstairs in hopes that I'd finally stop whining about the lack of clutter. We're not super clear on whether or not it belonged to one of the other teachers, but we'll just go with that theory for fun, shall we? When the (extremely lovely, kind and sweet!) teacher Bryan has replaced was packing, she was kind enough to give us quite a large selection of her unwanted possessions. In addition to some super soft blankets, we also got a rather large cooking pot (difficult to come by as far as we can tell so far), a little book shelf for Bryan's non-existent books, three beautiful house plants and a super sweet oversized chair complete with wooden arm rests that are perfect for holding both books and drinks. I am in love! As much as I hate to loose friends, this chair really has "cushioned" the blow (hahahahahahaha...so so clever...*shakes head at self*)In any case, the place really is starting to look a little bit more clutterful...in other words, like home.

Let's hangout at the Jeonju General!

This morning was, in short, hilarious! In order to get our "resident alien cards" (finally I will be a card carrying "alien"...I'm sure that some of you have been just waiting for this with baited breath for literal YEARS! Korea is onto me people, Korea is onto me!) we had to go on a super fun trip to the hospital to get a thorough check up. You know, just a general once over to make sure we didn't have the Tuberculosis, or the HIV or to ensure that we weren't addicted to a ton of contraband substances. The whole thing was altogether hilarious because we felt like, and somewhat had to behave like a kindergarten class of four on a class trip to the hospital as we followed the "foreign teacher coordinator" around the hospital to the various stations we had to visit, practically holding hands in a straight line behind him.

If we looked like puppies or toddlers, there was a good reason, considering that our only other source of guidance was a series of lines painted on the floor which our "handler" explained led to the three areas we'd have to go. The white line led to the clinic where we'd see the doctor, the red line led to the area where we had to give them our blood and the yellow line...led to the x-ray area! I know right? I totally thought it'd be something else too!

Our number one stop on this grand tour of physical check-ups was in the x-ray room. Luckily for us we ladies had already been warned by another of the teachers that they'd want us to take off our bras for this magical operation, so we didn't have to spend the ten minutes she did trying to figure out what the waving of palms in front of chest was supposed to mean! It was a pretty basic operation, y'know, just put on this hospital top and press your chest really really hard against this thing and then get out...yah. I mean, it was no mammogram or what have you (boob crushing...but for a GOOD reason!), but seriously, I'm pretty sure we all had to have Tuberculosis screenings before we got here! Anyway...whatever, so long as I get my "alien card".

Next off, at the same table where we had to give them our blood (muahahahahahahahahahaha! Bloooooooood!) we had to give them a small bit of other bodily fluid. Now, I'm sure we can all agree that this is a pretty normal part of a physical, but let me tell you right now it was the weirdest freaking urine sample I have EVER given in my life! Instead of just peeing in a little plastic cup with it's own little orange lid we were given a lovely little paper cup of the type one would usually use to get a bit of water from a water cooler (not the pointy bottomed type, but made of pretty much the same stuff) and two separate tubes. Once given these vessels, we were sent into the public washroom where we were to pee in the water-cooler cup and then dump the contents into the two test tubes. Maybe it was performance anxiety, or maybe it was the fact that we weren't allowed to drink or eat anything since last night before twelve, but a couple of us were having SERIOUS trouble with this! We both ended up half filling the tubes, even though they were supposed to be filled to the top (even though one of them lacked a cap) so we'll have to see if they call us back in there later to finish off the test. Really though, how much pee do you really need to determine whether or not I'm all up on the drugs?! So stressful! I can't just pee at the drop of a hat people, I can't! BAH.... It did lead to some hilarity, since once we met back up with our "handler", I felt that it was necessary to inform him that the two of us had had some issues with providing the specified amount of pee and that if they called him it might not mean we were on drugs so much as that they hadn't gotten enough pee to prove we aren't! And don't even get me started on the fact that they drew our blood directly beside our uncapped urine samples...whatever hospital, whatever!

Our last stop on this wonder-tour was at the clinic where individually we had our eyes, ears, weight, height and blood pressure checked. Hilarity also, of course, ensued here as one of the other chicas started reading off letters while looking at numbers, thus proving her eyesight was HORRIBLE, and Bryan, instead of leaning back while reading off the letters leaned far far forward! It was also pretty funny when the nurse took our weight, height and chest circumference (yes, chest circumference...are they keeping records of this? Like, the average chest size of everyone in the country at any given time...?) I'm pretty sure the nurse was like "what the hell?!" since all three of us gals are pretty big lovely ladies in a variety of different ways. One of us is tall, one of us has beautiful voluptuous hips and I'm just generally a large lovely lady...all in all, body types that are just not super common up in here! Whoo hooo, messing up your potential record keeping with our gorgeous selves!

Aside from that, this whole aspect was pretty basic and otherwise unexciting. The trip into the doctor's office, however, was fairly laughable. In addition to some pretty basic questions about our medical histories, including an inquiry about diabetes, smoking, heavy drinking etc., he also asked each and every one of us if we had any "symptoms". Not of anything in particular, but just general "symptoms". Now, this seems pretty broad considering just normal "being" could be considered symptomatic of lots of different things, depending on one's "normal" state of being in regards to everyone else's idea of "normal". Again I state, whatever it takes to get my "alien card" so that I can finally be identified as as out of this world as I think we can all agree I behave most of the time!

Who doesn't love a fun trip to the hospital I ask you?

Dirty dogs!

Best part of Jeonju? Street dogs. I know I mentioned this last post, but seriously, I am in love with these dogs! They're cute, they're friendly, there's tons of them...one downfall: they're super dirty. But I guess I would be too if I was abandoned or ran away or whatever and was wandering around the streets all day! It doesn't really prevent me from wanting to take them home, give them a good ol' spray down in our "shower room" and love them FOREVER! Dogs of Jeonju, you are not safe from my endless dog love! It will be truly shocking, I think, if I don't come home with a new furry friend in tow.

Aside from the fact that I'm probably gonna get fleas or worms, the only downside of this is the fact that I think I may be freaking people out with my interest in these grubby fellahs! This morning when we went to E-mart again, I was WAY TOO interested in the group of extremely grungy looking K-9s hanging out outside this auto shop...everyone kind of wanted to move things along, but I had to fight myself not to run on over there and get my pet on! I mean, seriously people, there were five friendly dogs just sitting there waiting for me to come and love them! I asked the teacher we were with who'd been here a while if they were nice or not and she said they always seem pretty friendly, and no one here is afraid of them or anything...I think that definitely bodes well for my dog adoption plan...you know, they won't like bite off my face or anything, so that's positive right?

I LOVE DOGS! (even if they're filthy, full of lice and potentially rabid, I still LOVE them!)

Stay at home non-mom.

Yesterday was my first day of being a stay at home non-mom (which sounds kind of like a hand crocodile eating noise, so I guess it's not an unfitting position for the hand-crocodile queen...nom nom nom nom nom nom nom). I was not super great at being an unemployed lay-about in Canada, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be less than great at it here! I mean, at least in Canada I could go home to my family for a visit, or hang out with friends to pass the time. Here everyone I know is at work during the time that I'm alone, since literally EVERYONE I know will work with me in the future...y'know, when I actually start work! I had a meeting with the director of my programme today and found out that my actual start date will be at the end of May even though the teacher I'm replacing is leaving mid-June...I guess that's two weeks better than I thought it would be...be happy about the small things I suppose! I always feel like such a freak when I'm in situations like this. It seems like pretty much anyone else would be rabid with joy at the thought of having a whole month of do whatever the hell you like time in a whole other country, but to me, it's like, the worst thing ever and I'm freaking out. I think right now it seems extra daunting because I can't even communicate well enough yet to get a cab back to my place if I go exploring...and if one is lost in a whole other country, it's pretty essential that one is able to communicate at the very least where one lives...y'know, to avoid death from the elements and starvation and stuff.

In my meeting today I asked the director if I could volunteer to observe classes over the next couple of weeks so that I can at least get my bearings and if maybe I could get my hands on the syllabus (hop on the silly bus...I'm pretty lame...ignore me) and textbooks I'll be using, so I'll probably be nerding it out doing volunteer prep-work for my future job! It's not really like I have anything else to do, so I guess I'm not that lame...right?

I think aside from that, my goal for the month will be to learn Hangul and maybe hook myself up with another teacher who I can do a language exchange with. I think it'll have to be a Korean teacher at another school though, since the time I'll be wanting to do the exchange in is during the time everyone else I know is at work...it'll be an adventure finding this person I'm sure! I can up with a plan earlier this morning to create some Hangul "posters" to put up on our walls...I figure it's always helpful to see what you're learning everywhere everyday...okay, so it can't hurt right? I'm going to go out later on and see if I can find some paper to make them out of. I banned myself from bringing any of my art supplies or even my sewing and I'm already really regretting it. Yesterday I actually went into this store that I'm fairly certain was meant for children and grabbed some markers and pencil crayons. The reason I'm pretty sure that this store was meant for children (specifically the children going to our Hagwon) is that while I was in there several children I recognized from our short tour the preceding week came in to buy the English notebooks they were selling...that and my new supplies have strawberries and b-nans on them...and cute little creatures on the label...and I'm pretty sure I had the Canadian equivalent during my own childhood. Whatever, I have no shame and I definitely need to get stuff where I can get it for now! Don't judge me!

I guess aside from that little foray, the best part of yesterday was the street dog that Aubrey and I saw when I was walking her to work (that's right guys, I'm so bored that I walk my friend to work!) It was really short, fat and stumpy like a Yorky, but it had dark and brown hair like a German Shepherd. I pretty much wanted to kidnap him and bring him home right then and there. It was actually pretty funny since we didn't initially see him...in fact, we were made aware of his extremely cute existence when the little Korean boy walking in front of us stopped dead in fear ("I'm afraid of doggssssss!"...Cora). I don't know why because this dog appeared perfectly healthy and perfectly precious...maybe he'd had a bad experience with street dogs in the past? Regardless, I don't think this dog could ever hurt anyone since he was kind of too short to even bite anyone's ankles...Maybe I'll go on a hunt for him today and get myself all nice and diseasy by touching animals that I shouldn't. I'm always like this. I'm pretty sure you could put a dog with a visible abscess in front of me and I'd still not be able to keep myself from petting him/her. I have a serious problem here people. I have a compulsion to disregard all of the "don't touch animals you don't know" lectures that we all received as children and get my grubby little paws right in there. I can't help it!

Maybe I'll have a little nappy-poo-poo on our lovely double bed that was delivered this morning. Come on people, I'm open to suggestions for magical activities I could do while I'm being a lay-about...anyone?